Sarcastic Travelers Pillows

"Hell: The Airport"

The First Fire Stick

"...it was believed that anyone who displeased it would meet with a terrible fate, which of course is complete nonsen..."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'Yeah, but if it's NOT a mirage, maybe we can find Mapquest on it!'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"Your brochure led me to believe it'd have a more temperate climate."

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

"We'll now start boarding Group 9... Please remember your inferiority as you walk past the other groups, you cheap, dirty, cretins."

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

Never choose a vacation spot by its posters.

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"

'Don't worry. I have no intention of drinking the water.'

Weight loss programme.

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

You said it was "take your child to work" day. You didn't say anything about bringing him back.

"Welcome to the new Drone 747, remotely controlled from a rented office in Calcutta."

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"A dry heat - no problem. But this humidity."

I wandered lonely as a cloud in the shape of an insufferable jerk no one could stand to be around.

Signs you're becoming annoying on a really, really long road trip.

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

"I've been praying for an excuse not to go Christmas shopping."

"Why didn't you bring a cardigan or lightweight jacket?"