Sarcastic Sleepers Pillows

She always said that Harold hogged the covers. Mildred Sims. Harold Sims.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"I'm not whining."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find

For workers who are in need of a discreet spot to catch some Z's comes Napquest.

"I told my boss there weren't enough hours in my day. He said that's why they invented the night."