Sarcastic Sage Gifts

"Son, if you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating."

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

"Whistleblowers have nothing to fear in this department and if you need proof just ask the caretaker, our former head of services!"

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Don't lie. I can always tell when you're angry.

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

'I don't have any friends....even when I tried to find one on Facebook, no one even there wanted to be a Facebook Friend!'

'Do you have any enemies?' - 'No, only a lot of friends who hate me.'

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

'The early bird can have the worm as far as I'm concerned -- I'd rather sleep in and then go to McDonald's.'

"It says we're incompatible, I'm Virgo and you're stupid."

"Look Baldo, I know I'm your 'boss'...but nothing has really 'changed'."

"Actually, I wasn't paying any attention to what you just said, but I LOOK interested and engaged, don't I? Cosmetic Eyebrow Surgery!! It's totally changed my LIFE!!"

"That stinks! Did you fart?"

"I'm addicted to giving up smoking; I do it 30 times a day."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"