Sarcastic Sage Gifts

"Son, if you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating."

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

"Whistleblowers have nothing to fear in this department and if you need proof just ask the caretaker, our former head of services!"

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

'I don't have any friends....even when I tried to find one on Facebook, no one even there wanted to be a Facebook Friend!'

'Do you have any enemies?' - 'No, only a lot of friends who hate me.'

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

'The early bird can have the worm as far as I'm concerned -- I'd rather sleep in and then go to McDonald's.'

"It says we're incompatible, I'm Virgo and you're stupid."

"Look Baldo, I know I'm your 'boss'...but nothing has really 'changed'."

"Actually, I wasn't paying any attention to what you just said, but I LOOK interested and engaged, don't I? Cosmetic Eyebrow Surgery!! It's totally changed my LIFE!!"

"I'm addicted to giving up smoking; I do it 30 times a day."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"