Sarcastic Dialogue Fan Gifts

Do you think the moon is real? Well

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I lettered in spelling."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Alarmistclock

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

Safety Barriers

"You cheap shit! Why can't we have a designer divorce?"

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

I've founded my own religion. Of course you have, Rudy. It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths. If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted. What are the central tenets of your religion? A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation.

'The kidnappers want 500.000,- Euros for the boss. I offered them 600.000,- Euro to keep him.'

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

Men working (part time).

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"It floated. I want my money back."

"I'd like to take a few minutes to make a series of promises I have no intention of keeping."

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

A bill poster pasting up a wanted poster of himself.

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.