Sarcastic Dialogue Fan Gifts

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Beware of Falling Notice.

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I lettered in spelling."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

'We drove 800 miles for this? If I wanted to look at a roomful of dusty bottles, we could have visited your mother.'

Alarmistclock

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"You cheap shit! Why can't we have a designer divorce?"

Safety Barriers

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'The kidnappers want 500.000,- Euros for the boss. I offered them 600.000,- Euro to keep him.'

Men working (part time).

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Really Mum? Natural selection gave us short arms to stop us from picking our noses?"

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

"I'd like to take a few minutes to make a series of promises I have no intention of keeping."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"It floated. I want my money back."

A bill poster pasting up a wanted poster of himself.