Santa Satire Seeker Pillows

"I thought you might like to have a merrier brain for the new millennium!"

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

"If I survive this holiday, I'm moving to a pond."

'Toys?! Good heavens, no! I made my fortune through commercial endorsements.'

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

Phone Hacking Explained - 50 p.

Scandalous! The Germans are occupying the best places on the beach!

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

Santa Elevator

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

'I should warn you, I charge double if you want me to examine both of them, Mrs. Jacobs.'

'How nice! -- They're making a ten-part miniseries about the Bible!'

Sure, it's just to find the royal remote, but a quest is a quest, Ernie!

I brake for Jetliners.

Vampire Weekday

"Uh oh! I just remembered we were supposed to pick up the midwife."

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

Don't fly and text.

Dead & Breakfast.

Slay Ride.

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

"Of that tree you shall not eat its fruit, lest you die -- plus I licked all the fruit to make it even less appealing."

'What do you mean you don't rent helicopters?' (Santa shot all his reindeer)

Michael Moore.

'I'll keep your application on file in case something else comes up.'

Reasons to be glad you're not a werewolf.

Christmas Joy, Peace and Goodwill.

Mild in the Streets

Attorney Vending Services: In Case of Litigation.

"Roof, please."

Spama Claus.