Sales Strategy Analyst Gifts

'It turned out our customers cared about our customer care policy and they've all gone somewhere else!'

"I think you'll want to talk to this telemarketer. He's selling a phone device that prevents other telemarketers from calling."

Larry's used art

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

'I vote we hang the darn thing upside down and go home!'

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

"Great! We're still going up! Chop a hole in the ceiling!"

"Jill Hamster's entrepreneurial disaster"

Sales.

'We have to go global since nobody around here will buy our product.'

'I understand this was the day you seized, Ferguson?'

'Maybe we need new profit charts?'

Gerald Ratner's return

Good morning, Boss. What're you going to do about it, Park? Are you just going to complain, or are you going to come up with an actionable plan. Complainers never do, Park, and doers never complain. I wasn't actually complaining. Our patrons buy 65% less cocoa on sunny days.

Sales Chart: Boomerangs LTD

Brick Salesman

"Post holiday sales look similar to the crater that killed the dinosaurs."

'Now think, Harris, what did you do different on that day?'

'Alternatively you can just focus on the CUSTOMER!'

'One thing is certain. It's not just a seasonal slump.'

Competitior Sales - "Now I come to the feel good factor"

'Jones, somewhere out there, we've lost our common sense. I want you to go and bring it back.'

"At bonus time, just don't forget where you get your intellectual property."

'Well Miss Hayward, your suggestion of trying Feng Shui didn't work.'

What's your contingency plan, Randy? My what? If a calamity of biblical proportions were to strike here in Canardville, would you flee across the bridge to Candorville? Or would you search in vain for a fallout-resistant bunker, before surrendering to the cruel inevitability of your demise? I ask just for the sake of discussion. No reason to panic. Totally unrelated: I just found out someone who's definitely not me is selling fallout bunkers at buy-this-now-if-you-want-to-live.com. Very bad man.

'If you don't pay us, I'll tell all your creditors you have.'

Entertainment systems

'Hank here brings 10 years of top sales experience to our company so let's all try to make him feel welcome while he makes you all look bad...'

"Today we welcome back an old friend."

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"That's a new side effect of our mission to keep things together."

Businessman has in/out boxes labeled: Stay The Course and Cut And Run.

Sinking sales

'Rabner is tops in customer retention.'

"Okay, let me come at this question a different way: Does anybody here actually know how to sell anything?"