Salary Negotiation Ninja Pillows

'I won't pay you a raise, Wurstberger. You can stop greeting me with an one-man La Ola.'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"Here's what I'm gonna do."

'Which 'win' is ours? Because the one on the left looks bigger.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'He got a raise but not enough to help him clear the fence.'

"The meeting will come to order."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'We're making progress. I just got a firm 'maybe'.'

'The toughest things you have to deal with in this job, is feelings and lawyers.'

The Evolution of the Bonus

"What if he's bluffing? What if he's not? What if the room just gets too hot?"

"My salary app pings when another new male exec at my level is making more than 77% of what I make."

"Oh dear...I don't think negotiations are going too well..."

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'He's ruthless and greedy... so let's make sure he's on our side.'

'I hear you got your increase.' - 'Yes, that proves my theory, if you whine enough, you get anything you want.'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

'Make them a four billion dollar takeover offer, but don't cause a fuss.'

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

'And I want that end table for $40...' When bargain hunters crack.

'I'm 60-40 in favor of the 60.'

'I'm interested in your job opening, so I'll have my agent give you a ring!'

"Is this about your raise?"

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

"He'll never win this negotiation. He's saddled with numbers...but we have anecdotes."

'This is a business lunch, Lowden. So, don't even think about enjoying yourself.'

Mediation Process

'I hope you made the prospect say no three times before you gave up.'