Job Negotiation Ninja Pillows

"You'll be working entirely on commission. We were kidding about the salary."

"Here's what I'm gonna do."

'Which 'win' is ours? Because the one on the left looks bigger.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

"The meeting will come to order."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'We're making progress. I just got a firm 'maybe'.'

"What if he's bluffing? What if he's not? What if the room just gets too hot?"

'The toughest things you have to deal with in this job, is feelings and lawyers.'

"Oh dear...I don't think negotiations are going too well..."

'He's ruthless and greedy... so let's make sure he's on our side.'

'Why are you arguing? The customer is always right, you know! 'But he called you a crook!'

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'Make them a four billion dollar takeover offer, but don't cause a fuss.'

'I'm 60-40 in favor of the 60.'

'And I want that end table for $40...' When bargain hunters crack.

'I'm interested in your job opening, so I'll have my agent give you a ring!'

"He'll never win this negotiation. He's saddled with numbers...but we have anecdotes."

"Is this about your raise?"

'I hope you made the prospect say no three times before you gave up.'

Mediation Process

'This is a business lunch, Lowden. So, don't even think about enjoying yourself.'

'I took your advice and told him either I get a raise or I quit!'

"To be clear you are willing to labor under misconceptions?"

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'Was my salary expectation a bit too high?'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

'Watch it...I'm carrying a concealed weapon...my lawyer.'

'What can we do about this leadership course?'

'There's enough of us...we can take them!'

'A hostile takeover just wasn't feasible, so we agreed to a hostile merger.'

Boss, can I talk to you for a sec? I was about to ask you the same thing, Park. The job market's picking up out there. That's horrible for us. Fewer people are buying comfort food. I'm going to have to cut your pay by 10%. Now what were you going to ask me? I wanted a 10% raise. You KNEW, didn't you?! I'll give you 7%, but only because I value you as a minion.

"I'll have my people strong-arm your people."