Salary Humorist Gifts

"I'm pulling down nearly six figures these days. Five, to be exact."

"Entertaining that lot all day and what's in it for us - peanuts!"

"Whoa, don't hand me my pay cheque. I'm allergic to peanuts!"

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

I think, theerfore I am underpaid

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

This castle manager job better be for real.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Great work, Jackson! I'm going to raise your salary by 7 downsizings."

"I'm aware that you brought a high-powered agent...are you aware that this job pays $26,382 and nine cents per year?"

'You say here that hard work doesn't scare you as long as you hide your eyes.'

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"That sweet raise everybody's been excited about is finally here. Enjoy it!"

"You look perfectly suited for managing on the pigeons have a salary that goes with the job!"

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"