Billable Hour Humorist Gifts

"Remember to round each billable hour off to the nearest week."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

This castle manager job better be for real.

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

Budget reaction.

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'You must be the new guy, huh?'