Payroll Humorist Gifts

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"