Hr Humorist Gifts

'You know, you're a very expensive employee because we have to contribute to nine retirement and life insurance plans for you.'

"You're afraid I have unrealistic expectations? Funny. I was thinking the same thing about you."

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"We ran hundreds of ads, searched the state before we got her..."

'It's part of our new staff retention policy!'

"It's not unfair dismissal, John, we know it's you!"

'I'm firing you, I'm also firing the person that hired you.'

'Oh yeah, our people will just fall over themselves to get transferred to this office.'

"Our training program was too successful. Twenty employees used their new skills to leave the company for better jobs."

"I'm sure he's a fine boy, but we prefer interviewing your son in person."

'I have lots of experience. I was a loan shark for a decade.'

The Job Offer

...Can I come back and re-apply with a dumbed down C.V.?

'We are looking for a candidate that has an eye for detail, at least until we set up a quality control department.'

'Your standardized test scores are impressive, but we have no standardized jobs.'

"You own 10 shares in the company, Symms? Great! I finally get to fire a stockholder."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"I phoned your reference. She said you always ate your carrots and picked up your toys."

"You have everything we're looking for except for being downloadable."

"Have you heard? Lucy's been head-hunted by another beehive..."

'Our new employee will quickly adapt to our company culture'

"I called you back for a second interview to tell you you didn't get the job."

"You were fired a week ago. Have you checked your twitter account?"

"Are you trying to get a job?!!"

"APART from loyalty and an interest in fetching sticks is there anything else you could bring to the position."

"The firm is always appointed above competence levels, you topped out at paperclip."

"If you used the 'Idiot's Guide To Writing Resumes', try us when we're hiring idiots."

"Couldn't I just give you an undated letter of resignation?"

"Do you have any unadvertised vacancies?"

'Here's your report card... I mean, review.'

The Case Against Gun Control

"I was sick - sick in Hawaii."

"You're by far the best candidate for the job, but unfortunately I found this cartoon you shared 17 years ago."

'The really scary part is that he is the new head of human resources.'