Human Resource Humorist Gifts

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'Yes, can I help you?'

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"So how did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"