Human Resources Humorist Gifts

'Our latest attempt to recruit from abroad didn't go very well.'

'Hold on - your advert didn't say anything about intelligence. It said you wanted a manager.'

'Call this one -I like short resumes.'

"Wow - great chops! We took a vote and want you in the band. All that we need now are three letters of reference and academic transcripts."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'