Payroll Humorist Pillows

PAYMASTER, 'Just to be on the safe side, we withheld EVERYTHING this week.'

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Orchestra Class Air Guitar.

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

'I'll need more than I can spend.'

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."