Saintly Humor Fan Gifts

St. Elmo's fired.

"That's our new church mascot."

"It's right here… Nov. 29th, 1981, at Elaine's… twelve percent."

God asks an angel for change for a tower viewer.

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"Gimme a break, guys, it's just until I get the hang of it."

"In heaven there are no trees."

'Before we begin, let's say a little prayer for humility.'

"Oh yeah – They really are forever – Cool huh?"

"Lower and to the left...AHHHHH!"

'No, I heard you snoring -- you just dreamed that you attained Nirvana.'

Meditating cat. 'Hi! You have reached the 4th state of consciousness. We're not in right now...

Priest

'Every time one door closes, another one opens. Can you fix it?'

'That's St Joseph. He's the patron saint of baby aspirin.'

"I wasn't responsible for those sins."

"Bad timing – he's in one of his Old testament moods today."

'Pig flu??!'

"Don't sit under the Bodhi Tree with anyone else but me."

Man in Hell, 'Well, I gotta tell ya, layers is NOT the answer.'

Collection plate at church with signs of the credit cards the church will take.

"And one more thing: you don't get to pardon yourself."

"You've been randomly selected for additional screening."

Saint Peter using a security screening.

"When I found out I couldn't take it with me, I left it all to charity."

How To Saint . . .

'I'd buy her a drink, but I don't think I can do that up here.'

Got omnipotence?

"Open your mouth so I can take a DNA sample."

'So? -- What could be more Zen than empty calories?'

'Yes, I am God. Got a problem with that?'

"It would be terrible if atheists ran things. No weekends."

"Don't you sometimes wish that maybe you had been just a little bit naughtier in your former life?"

"Let's get to know him. He's being fast tracked to sainthood."

You don't need to say "now I've seen everything" all the time. We get the whole omniscient thing.