Rustic Humor Pillows

A hunter missing his target

"Look! No hands!"

'Boy, watch out for that pursestring suture!'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Trump

IRS Audits. Do you have tax records? No, I pay about the same as most people.

'Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.' 'You want BOTH?!'

"I'll have dessert first."

'The first day on the job was not going well for Al...'

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

'You were right, Mum - he only wants me for one thing!'

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

'Take a picture...it'll last longer.'

The Rural Bidet...

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

'Would Sir care for a hot towel?'

I think he must have been in marketing before --- He's all about branding.

Tom had considerable emotional baggage.

A plunger in an outhouse

"I've never trusted cows."

How farmers get away w/ eating crackers in bed

"Leave room for sex."

"You boys might as well dig in - this could smolder for days."

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

'Debbie, does this mean it's over between you and I?'

"Harumph. Some 'sailor man.'"

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

'I hear the boss is taking roping lessons.I wonder what he's going to practice on?'

Food left unattended will be eaten by waiter.

'Hold steady, there girl. I need to open my bottle of cider!'

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."