Routine Humor Pillows

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Bo're'droom

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'The sunglasses idea would have worked if you hadn't started snoring.'

"I hate performance review season."

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

"The meeting will last until lunch, or hell freezes over, whichever is longer."

Trays on desk read, 'Here', 'There' and, 'Neither here nor there.'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"Who called this meeting again?"