Rule-bending Joker Pillows

"Go ahead and measure him warden, he's within the legal length."

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'You can come out, Marmaduke. I was just kidding about putting lipstick on you.'

"Go ahead—unmute yourself."

'George, stop playing with the children.'

"This lockdown is GREAT! - We can spend all day on our computers, eating takeaway junk food and watching crap TV while gambling on our iphones!"

"See how it feels"

'Cows have bells because their horns don't work.'

Unicyclist painting a ceiling.

"Harold, stop sucking in your stomach when the girls walk by. You're going to hurt yourself."

'Moses, you'd better be in that bathtub!!'

'He wanted to be remembered this way.'

Turnkey Totalitarianism

"Let's see if I understand: your brain can't be upgraded with additional memory, and to make matters even worse, untold thousands of those brain cells die each day?"

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

"He claims to be self aware but he clearly can't read a room."

Adult Absence Notes.

Hiker's right of way.

'I think the temperature's a bit low in the Terrarium!'

'When you grounded me to my room, you said no TV or computer. You never said I couldn't build my own bike.'

'Lion!'

"I'm not fishing, I'm hunting."

'Nuff said.

"My dog deleted my excuses app."

Cricket with a hamster in a plastic ball.

'Please be quiet while the attempts to locate your head.'

"I don't know who hid it there but that one's got your name all over it."

A child plots to frighten his father with a fake shark fin.

"OK, you're right. It does say take 2 tablets by mouth."

"On this comparison website I can get a thinner you, with more personality and a bushier mustache."

"I studied ancient history while I was out sick. I read the magazines in my doctor's office."

Video Chat with Dad from his new smart phone.

"I'm afraid you've got Sea Monkey pox."

A herd of sheep stand in a field; one sheep is wearing a t-shirt that reads "Staff".

"I think it's a Spider Plant bite."