Rose-tinted Realist Gifts

"That's my survival kit. It has a meditation tape, aspirin and rose-coloured glasses."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"We'll always have Paris..."

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

Marriage least expected to last...

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

A Zircon Is Forever

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'If you really loved me you would have bought me flowers.'

Unconditional Loveseat

"Boy, I hope we never end up like this."

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"My computer just texted me."

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'You wanted to go on a romantic outing. You're on a romantic outing.'

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"Forget about flowers, trust me, bring her honey: It's a sure way to one's heart..."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'You mustn't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, Dear. It makes me feel redundant.'