Rose-tinted Realist T-Shirts

"That's my survival kit. It has a meditation tape, aspirin and rose-coloured glasses."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

Pinocchio's Second Realization

"We'll always have Paris..."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

Marriage least expected to last...

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

A Zircon Is Forever

'If you really loved me you would have bought me flowers.'

"I want to get married and start a family with you—although God knows who I'll want to finish it with."

"My computer just texted me."

"Boy, I hope we never end up like this."

"You'll note that the card isn't signed so my declaration of undying love isn't legally binding!"

'After sex he checks his cell phone messages.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

Unconditional Loveseat

'You mustn't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, Dear. It makes me feel redundant.'

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"Forget about flowers, trust me, bring her honey: It's a sure way to one's heart..."

'You wanted to go on a romantic outing. You're on a romantic outing.'

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."