Returns Guru T-Shirts

December 24th and the December 26th.

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Soaring Profits

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Guess who made a bushel today?'

'I say, let's not be hasty in enforcing the mandatory retirement age.'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

'We're plowing our excess profits back into justifying our profits.'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'This is where we shed all our inhibitions.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jiddury? Social anxiety. That's what Google says it is, anyway. But Google's no doctor. I thought it'd be better to get the opinion of a professional. I see, well, why don't we start the diagnosis by having you hang up your phone, get out of your car and come inside? No, that's ok. I'm good here. You have a lovely parking lot. I've got donuts in here. No, that's ok, I'm good. I've got cracker crumbs on the floor.

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

'Turkey again! It's the sixth of January... Just how big was that flaming bird?!'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'