Retro Relic Appreciator Gifts

"No, the video isn't in slo-mo. That's the speed your granddad and I actually walk."

'A portcullis is SO yesterday!'

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

Long before the GPS, traveling humans found their way around by using an Atlas.

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

An old man wearing a band t-shirt

"Call Harris back from retirement and ask him how we did things around here before computers."

Snapshots in Time

Pandora's Change Purse...

"I thought I'd add a punch line."

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"Don't you sometimes worry that if they do give us our stuff back we'll lose some of the sense of grievance that's so crucial to our cultural identity?"

Baby car seat for a Native American.

Sistine murder

Future Candidates For "Colorization"

"Your antique gold watch didn't float."

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

How Staring Contests Change

In the Year 2525

"It's a student you taught 20 years ago asking if you'd loan him bail money!"

Phone Call

"I knew you was mad when you tried to sell me to them "American Pickers" fellers."

"There's trouble, boys. Let's pants up and move out!"

"I'm on the haywain."

"Good night, Al. We still haven't found it."

"I'd better get a hit country song out of growing up this way."

"Careful now. It's fragile."

Jesus with mobile.

"Long time no see!"

'Hey, we're in style!'

Painting the Sistine Chapel. 1508. 1509. 1510. 1511. 1512. It looks great, Michelangelo, but there's one thing I don't understand. Why didn't you just paint it in the regular way and then mount it on the ceiling?

"When I was your age, a crackpot carried a 'The End Is Near' sign. He didn't tweet it."

Dueling marionettes.

"At the 2008 Olympics, Henry Cejudo became the youngest American to win a wrestling gold medal. His mother taught him that desire can trump despair. And then she taught him how to escape her chicken-wing armlock."