Retail Pundit Gifts

Consumer sees sign: 'If not completely satisfied, grow up!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Lemonade - $500 A Glass! 'Yes, my prices high, but how else am I supposed to buy a Boulevart M109R? Certainly not on my allowance.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Half-Price Haircut and Half-Cut Price Hair.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Liquidity Lunch

'The treasury decided to use bob geldof's speechwriter this year!'

Euro fall...

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Credit Crunch: Breakfast for Losers.

'Don't forget our 'Bargain basement', sir.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

I might have granted your loan request, if it wasn't written on a beer mat.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

Seven deadly sins store

"You can't beat the prices of these big box retailers."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Gas Price Reads: Way Too Much.

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'Do I believe?? Listen, I believe in anything that generates $400 billion in annual sales!'

I have the feeling we are being micromanaged...

Bank of England Base Rates.

Euro crisis.