Retail Pundit Gifts

Consumer sees sign: 'If not completely satisfied, grow up!'

'You know the economy's in trouble when the Forbes 400 list of wealthiest Americans only has 350 names on it.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Lemonade - $500 A Glass! 'Yes, my prices high, but how else am I supposed to buy a Boulevart M109R? Certainly not on my allowance.'

Half-Price Haircut and Half-Cut Price Hair.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Oh, the usual. They're watching 'American Idol' and I'm watching Americans idle.

Liquidity Lunch

'The treasury decided to use bob geldof's speechwriter this year!'

Euro fall...

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Credit Crunch: Breakfast for Losers.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'Don't forget our 'Bargain basement', sir.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

I might have granted your loan request, if it wasn't written on a beer mat.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"...And don't forget to include the receipts!"

"You can't beat the prices of these big box retailers."

Gas Price Reads: Way Too Much.

Seven deadly sins store

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Do I believe?? Listen, I believe in anything that generates $400 billion in annual sales!'

Bank of England Base Rates.

I have the feeling we are being micromanaged...