Resume Renewal Gifts

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Following your 'barbecue summer' forecast, I'm revising predictions of your contract being reviewed.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"I didn't get a job at the job fair, but I got a blue ribbon for best resume."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"I got an A+ on my math test! I'm updating my resume."

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'I took the liberty of digitally enhancing my resume to make a mountain out of a mole hill.'

'Your career is a change management textbook.'

'If you want to see my resume, it's on my cave wall.'

Resume Consultant. I can polish up your resume, but I won't be able to pound all the dents. (Published originally on Janurary 8, 2009.)

'Thanks for coming in. Whoever gets the job will call you next week and let you know our decision.'

'I wonder if I should add this to my resume.'

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

"That's great that you're on 8 different social media sites, but how are you at bank reconciliations, accounts payable, and working?"