Resume Realist Gifts

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

'I see you've never been fired by an employer, but you have been fired at.'

"I didn't go to college, but I took out and am defaulting on school loans to make it look like I did."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

I'm doing poorly, but that's without performance enhancing drugs.

"We end our Newscast with a happy story tonight."

Resume Dumpers

"Just tell your parents you made the grade. Don't specify."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Someone loses his pension.

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"...Everyone you meet on the way up, you'll meet again on the way down."

"Ambitions... to retire on full pay and just go fishing."

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

Go to M.I.T., they said. You'll do great things, they said.

"Good morning - I'm from your bank. We'd like our house back please!"

"...I thought I was too smart, too idealistic to end up this way, but LOOK at me! I've become an entrenched bureaucrat!"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'A resume painted in oils on canvas? How long have you been out of work?'

"A vibrant imagination is an excellent quality for the job...but not the CV."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

'Be advised the information herein may not be current and is subject to change. Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results.'

"Did you make the short list?"

"I understand that you've been demanding more vacation time. . . so we've decided to let you have the rest of your life off."

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life: 'The pay is good, but the pressure here...'

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

"I wasn't always a big success in business. In fact, I'm still not."