Resume Optimizer Gifts

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

'I'm happy to report that the position has been narrowed down to you and 958 other people.'

'I don't know anything about anything, but I'm great at looking stuff up!'

Overqualified for some jobs - underqualified for others.

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'I can take out some of the padding if I appear overqualified.'

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

"I googled 'Resume' and found lots of cool stuff to put in there."

"Well, Mr. Hicks, your resume looks quite impressive and of course, the fact that you can sniff out truffles is a plus!"

'We believe in using performance-enhancing drugs here.. they're called bonuses.'

Blowing dust off an order book.

Office Park

Don't Waste A Moment! Put Down That Magazine And Get Fit While You Sit!

"I'll throw in a few extra pinstripes."

The ROI on social media was not yet optimized.

'Making staff get a sick note after one day is essential if we're to make the whole system work more efficiently!'

'He's a control freak but the treats are good.'

Samuel Pepys' writer's block

The Devolution of Man

'The town I grew up in was so affluent they used to close the schools in honor of options expiration day.'

"You said to start the laundry and bathe the cat, so I thought I could save time if..."

"I got an A+ on my math test! I'm updating my resume."

Kids' energy levels

'I'd like to request flexible working to avoid my family.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

"Actually, turns out my entire life can take place at 10%."

'Would you be interested in adding a few options?'

"Why, you're right. Tonight isn't reading night, tonight is sex night."

"Oh, nice-pulling up the blinds really lets in the light."

"Waking at 2 A.M. is how I stay one step ahead of all the people who wake at 5 A.M."

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable if you lived at home?"

'This is Billy...my caddy and designated putter.'

'I suppose your bath's ready...'

"Your solution is far too simple for a real expert..."

"Does our improvement really need to be so continuous?"