Resume Comedian Gifts

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'Yes, we do have an incentive scheme.We call it 'continued employment'.'

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

'All I wanted to know is if that word was naughty.'

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

Opp'y of a Lifetime

This castle manager job better be for real.

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"