Resume Humorist Gifts

'You say here that hard work doesn't scare you as long as you hide your eyes.'

'According to your resume, you graduated Grad school.'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

"You’d think being anthropomorphic would be enough but nowadays you need a Masters to even get your foot in the door."

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

This castle manager job better be for real.

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

"Anything else...apart from the wheel?"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'I'd like to hire you, but you're not serious enough.'

"Number four wasn't bad, at least he removed his personal CD earphones for most of the interview."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

"Could you explain this 2500 year gap in your resume?"

'I'm looking for something, like, 364 days a year.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'Why did you leave your last job?'

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'