Restaurant Sleuth T-Shirts

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'So, in room 1 we sweat them. 2 is for grilling, 3 is for roasting. We leave them to simmer in room 4...'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Don't tell him anything."

"What the heck did I do with that leftover turkey?!"

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Plane with banner shoots at another.

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

Horse meat scandal.

'Mine was stone cold.'

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

"You didn't say 'excellent choice' when I ordered! What did I do wrong?"

'Well, that's the last of the garlic repellent.'

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

'Darling - are you finding these waiters rather over-attentive?'

"This place is slipping. The 'Chef's Surprise' looks more like a cook's confusion."

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."