Restaurant Renegade Pillows

"I can't have anything that's a food."

"She's expecting you."

Cannibal fine dining.

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

"I've burnt the roast...Turn down the restaurant lighting a touch!"

"Give him his food."

'Smoking section or screaming child section?'

'First, let me tell you what i don't want.' Most cases of food poisoning can be avoided by being a little nicer to the waiter.

'Welcome! Seat yourselves! Know how to cook?'

"I can't take you anyplace nice!"

"I'll have the filet mignon aux legumes et fruit d'hiver, with extra cheese."

LAY ZEE FUK

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

A holiday at home

Man in office, desk covered in computer equipment, uses floor for photos, desk pads etc.

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

"It's a recipe from the 'Anti-Christ' cookbook."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

Organized chaos.

"Now, what? I'm wearing a hair net."

A man without a chicken on his head!

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

'Did you follow a recipe book for this dish?'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

"No, I did NOT get the memo about "Casual Fridays." Had I known I would have worn flats."

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

DIY store.

'I know I promised to love, honour and cherish you but I don't remember saying I'd cook for you.'

"We'll take it from here Gramps." "Yeah, you guys are just so antiquated." "Power 'Tools'"