Restaurant Renegades Pillows

"I had to bite him once, but now I always get a great table."

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

A holiday at home

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

"Give him his food."

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

How Do You Like My Moseying Along?

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"Ha! Today we informed the boss about our rights!"

"I can't have anything that's a food."

Organized chaos.

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

'Well, yes, when you put it that way, I am a selfish male afraid of commitment, but 'Lone Wolf' sounds better...'

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

Now entering: Space. Population - wouldn't you like to know.

How did people work before computers? They grew food, made clothing and built stuff. Now all that is done outside the country. Not true. What about

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

DIY store.

'I know I promised to love, honour and cherish you but I don't remember saying I'd cook for you.'

"Whaddya mean line ball? The ball was out! O.U.T.! You blind or something?"

Complaints (just kidding).

"I've burnt the roast...Turn down the restaurant lighting a touch!"

"Declared Victory Garden"

Sistine Chapel - Extreme Makeover: 'Blue's good but lets loss all the clouds and the drama.'

"You gotta love the mpg we're getting!"

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'

"We'll take it from here Gramps." "Yeah, you guys are just so antiquated." "Power 'Tools'"