Restaurant Renegades Pillows

"I had to bite him once, but now I always get a great table."

A holiday at home

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

How Do You Like My Moseying Along?

"Give him his food."

"Ha! Today we informed the boss about our rights!"

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

Organized chaos.

"I can't have anything that's a food."

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

Now entering: Space. Population - wouldn't you like to know.

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

'Well, yes, when you put it that way, I am a selfish male afraid of commitment, but 'Lone Wolf' sounds better...'

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

DIY store.

"Whaddya mean line ball? The ball was out! O.U.T.! You blind or something?"

'I know I promised to love, honour and cherish you but I don't remember saying I'd cook for you.'

"Declared Victory Garden"

"You gotta love the mpg we're getting!"

"I've burnt the roast...Turn down the restaurant lighting a touch!"

Complaints (just kidding).

Sistine Chapel - Extreme Makeover: 'Blue's good but lets loss all the clouds and the drama.'

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'

"We'll take it from here Gramps." "Yeah, you guys are just so antiquated." "Power 'Tools'"

'Due to concerns about Global Warming...I'm through with cooking.'