Restaurant Dining Gifts

"Excuse me, we're out of water."

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

'Carb or non-carb section?'

"What do you have that's rich in antioxidants?"

'How did you know we were having pancake flambe again?'

All you can eat. . . pizza.

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'Which of your even-numbered wines do you recommend?'

"Well, okay I'll eat it. But, only if you have a medical team on stand by."

I love Cannelloni

"Just a heads-up, the Mushroom and Crab Risotto doesn't like its photo taken."

"Please bring me what that guy is having."

Chef's Surprise: "I'm telling everyone that tonight's special is Osso Bucco."

"I'm sorry. A suit AND tie are necessary."

"Compliments from table 6, they don't know how you get away with it."

'Push the smoked turkey, the smoked ham, the smoked salmon...'

"Their water is all locally sourced."

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'Oh no! He's actually eating it!'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'Do you have another menu of what I can have?'

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

'I'm on a diet- Just keep bringing me salads.'

'He's one of the genuine food critics left...he still fills his pen with Spanish squid ink.'

'When it comes to our Boef flambe safety is paramount.'

'Since when do lentils do the backstroke?'

"How we doing for tips today?"

'It's beans OR toast, not beans ON toast.'

"I'll be awhile, folks. We have a free-range chef and he's run off again."

"Whole wheat toast. Leave the gluten in."

Our next story is about an lawyer who goes around suing restaurants for improper lighting. Ah, an "ambiance chaser"!

"And how is the 'medium' salmon you had me overcook?!"

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."