Research Gifts

'Huh! If only it were that simple.'

'I forgot the question.'

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

"So in other words, we're hoping to discover what makes the nitty, gritty."

'I'm only interested in locating wealthy relatives.'

"Defunding increases aggression."

'I'm afraid it's one of those new superbugs.'

"I've learned a lot in sixty-three years. But, unfortunately, almost all of it is about aluminum."

"87% of the 56% who completed more than 23% of the survey thought it was a complete waste of time."

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

'My diabetic research shows that test subjects are 98% more likely to take their diabetic pills if the pills are covered in chocolate.'

"They're harmless when they're alone, but get a bunch of them together with a research grant and watch out."

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

'We've run out of lab rats, Henderson,,,put this on and come with us,'

'Excuse me, where's the nanotechnology department?' - 'You just trod on it.'

Struggling Scientist, Please cite my papers.

SURVEYS-R-US: "87% of the 56% who completed more than 23% of the survey thought it was a waste of time."

'While doing the research, keep in mind there are only two kinds of facts...Those that support my position...and inconclusive.'

Micro and Macro Department,

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

Man confusing man using statistics.

'It started with a simple case of peer review.'

"What if these guys in white coats who bring us food are, like, studying us and we're part of some kind of big experiment?"

'Our proposal didn't get the grant, but they want us to teach proposal writing.'

Yoga feasibility studies.

Heart Research Centre on top of a hill.

"Nobody's perfect, but we're working on it."

"The research proves tall rats are more confident than short rats. At least I think it does. I've never been good at this."

While experts remain at odds over the issue of when life begins, most agree it's sometime after work.

The study found humans have only about twice the number of genes as a fruit fly. Of course, the data could be off a bit. It was done by researchers who had only about twice the number of genes as a fruit fly.

'I don't know what this is, but you should see how fast it's growing!'

The Academic Brain, showing parts: teach, write, do research, and (the largest part) serve on committees.

'An encyclopedia? I don't know. Let's look up what it is on Wikipedia.'

"It's a one year timer. It gives an added sense of urgency to my research grant."

"This is Doctor Bagshaw, discoverer of the infinitely expanding research grant."