Researchers Gifts

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

"The research proves tall rats are more confident than short rats. At least I think it does. I've never been good at this."

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'We've created a teenager!'

Newton - today: 'Help my research! Buy an apple 50 cents.'

'I feel better today too, but around here I've learned not to be too optimistic.'

"Genetic engineering got us into this mess, and genetic engineering will get us out of it."

'I'm pretty sure I have a Ph.D. I think one came bundled with my new computer.'

Peer Review.

Mammon Stores R and D - "Brainstorm is working on trying to discover the shopoholic gene."

"Do you realise it's been eighteen months since you shouted 'eureka'?"

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Good Heavens, you're right - money IS everything!'

'My friends, as a result of our experimentation, we have just lost a dear and valued colleague...'

'Agreed, 'Laplace Algebra Matrix Expansion' is a good topic, but we'd better find a better acronym if we want to secure a Research Grant...'

'Centre for the study of obscure and useless things.'

A planet like ours - As usual they forgot where they put the icepops.

"Well, here's your problem. You need an O right there."

'Your experimental protocol fails to take into consideration, the astrological signs of the fruit flies.'

'We've all read the report cover to cover. Anyone read all that stuff in the middle?'

'Maybe a smaller dose next time!'

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

We have a problem with your research. We're Encyclopedia Britannica and you're Wikipedia.

Lab. These must be curing people - Nobody ever comes back for a refill. Optimistic pharmaceutical researchers.

"I just learned that is a double-blind study, which means they're actually studying the lab assistants who are studying us. It's time to be irritatingly unpredictable!"

Igor leaves an I.O.U. after stealing a brain.

'Marketing says if we want to reach an older consumer our smartphones need to survive being thrown against a wall.'

"You've heard of the government paying farmers not to farm; they pay us not to do research."

"Is plagiarism the same as value adding?"

Institute for Continuous Research (all-niters our specialty)

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

"We shoot our way in, grab all the ideas we can, then run like hell."

Go-Fund-Me for Start-Up into Alcohol Research

'No one read it.'

"Using the surveillance drone proves that mice do have problem-solving skills."