Reptile Rascal Pillows

For the last time, Mr. Clooney - That's not what we do here.

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

'This model is hard to get parts for.'

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

"Well, you said you wanted something to remove spiders from the bath!"

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

'How do people without a middle name know when the're in trouble?'

The Great Maldini and his Venomous Snakes

'I counted them as well. . .There were four too many.'

Steve Irwin.

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

Snake Dress-Up

'Break a leg.' - 'Thanks a lot.'

'I think the temperature's a bit low in the Terrarium!'

'You kids get out of this park right now and go play in traffic!!!'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

'No kidding? You don't wear anything underneath either?'

"You do realize this may affect my review of you on Yelp?"

Ram Raiders deterred due to wet paint.

'He didn't buy us as pets, he bought us as pet-food: He has a snake!'

'What are we doing here? I thought only birds do this.'

Center for the research and development of abnormally large strains of fruit.

'Hey! Who left the television off?'

'I meant the other snake, Idiot!'

No child onboard. Don't drive carefully.

'Mercy, no, Mr Jackson, that's just Corky's way of saying hello.'

Turtle timeouts. And when you think you can behave, I'll be back to flip you over. (Published originally on May 21, 2003.)

'Hey, I think that's him: alligator riding motorcycle, wearing goggles and a bandana - hold it- there's no bandana.'

'I sent Ben to fly fishing school, now he's a menace to the whole stream!'

"Gloves off at the table please!" "They're not gloves, they're dirt!"

"He's normally not affectionate, but he has really taken a liking to you!2