Report Guru Gifts

"Very amusing, Robertson, if I were the type to be amused."

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

"O.K., O.K., people - we're not workshopping these, they're already set in stone."

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

Charities should investigate whether published reports are 'Misleadingly Positive'.

"I feel a great disturbance in The Force."

'How about a toast to my breakthrough?!'

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

Bureau to cut back on bureaucratic paperwork...

nstead of looking at fish bowl, a kid watches the fish on TV as they are being video taped.

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

'And it's not just me...Ms. Anthrope doesn't seem to like anyone.'

The Joy of Recession

'... No, you're not on the short list. You're not even on the long list.'

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

'Just tell me. You don't need to drag that out every time I ask how I look.'

"Boss, remember when you told me to start charging Sadie 'studio fees' for operating her radio show in the cafe?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news." "What's the good?" "She's agreed not to resort to violence." "I see. And the bad news?" "On today's 'Sadie Cohen Radio Show': Evil cafe owners who may or may not poison their customers."

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"Will you stop 'tutting' until I've finished my report."

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

'I bet those are the accident reports.'

'This is where we shed all our inhibitions.'

Four Types of Critics

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

School of journalism and politics.

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

Pharmco Marketing Dept. We have an improved measles vaccine. How should we promote it? TV spots!

"I work in PR where I provide a dynamic and highly effective bespoke service that can work for you and blah blah blah ..."

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'