Report Writing Guru Gifts

Boss hands over document: 'There are too many abbreviations in your report ? can you rewrite it asap?'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

Apart from your mother, who else thinks you're doing a good job as Chairman of the company?

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"My report to the board was perfect. They did not understand a word of it and now think I'm smarter than them."

"A dozen eggs and a pint of semi-skimmed...Sorry, looks like I left my presentation in my other coat."

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

"For details on the bear market, here's a bear..."

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"While you make the sales presentation, Monica. I'll scope out the room and try to identify this company's Achilles heel!"

"Anyone else see weaknesses in my report?"

'You've been killing files again.'

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

"Remember, Mort: Courage isn't the absence of fear. Courage is remaining media-savvy in the face of fear!"

'And it's not just me...Ms. Anthrope doesn't seem to like anyone.'

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

'Great visual support.'

Given seven minutes to finish, he flashed through the weekly report.

A Journalist's Weapons

"Skepticism, Jones? Tell me, how does that relate to journalism?"

'It's getting harder to tell when the news stops and the spin begins.'

"Why don't we call you 'Deeper Throat'?"

"No word from the company – but, it's clear that this is a major spill."