Rental Warriors Gifts

'The landlord's here, and he looks hungry!'

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

Where do you see yourself five years from today, dork-boy? 43 Breen Road. What are you talking about? It's where everyone wants to go. It's the most popular AirBnB in San Francisco. The earliest opening they had was five years from today. Just book a hotel. Hotels are so 2007.

'There goes any chance of us getting our security deposit back.'

Where there's a Mall--There's a Way.

'The difference between the sexes...First Contact...'

"When we're not hibernating, I've gone ahead and listed our cave as an Airbnb."

House hunting is cruel.

"Ooh look, the high street's evolved to survive!"

"Returns"

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

Sold It All.

"Airbnb?"

"Sorry son, I rented out your room to backpackers on Airbnb."

Gas Bill

Crazy Ed's Warehouse - body in freezer - "Nobody beats our prices and gets away with it."

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

We divided it up and turned it into a rental.

"When you pay the rent for your one-room studio, you mustn't think about what you can get for that amount back in Iowa."

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

'I just asked if you were finding everything alright. I never said I worked here.'

The vacation rental agency is saying technically that's a "lap pool," so we can't get our money back.

The lessor of two evils.

"Any chance of some credit?"

'Surely it is no longer legal to include 'deposit of your first-born child'?'

'Here is the lead-based paint information, Fair Housing criteria, laws regarding tobacco use outdoors slip-and-fall warning, and barring any further public hysteria, the lease itself.'

Generation Rend. Young man rending his garments in anguish at extortionate rents.

"I'm addicted to online shoppin. It's so bad that I have a hallway full of unopened parcels."

Let's go, young man. Off to the mall! We're off to the mall. I thought we'd hit the big box retailers, then the food court, and finish off with a bookstore. Wait. When you said we were going shopping, I thought you meant we'd surf the net, check Amazon, read product reviews … No, no, soft internet shopper. This is actual shopping at a physical mall, cut-throat old-lady style. Is that a pith helmet?

"Mind wiping that scanner first? There's no telling whose stuff has been dragged over it."

"... And you said this was you and your husband's first time shopping at Costco?"

"Mr. Rod gave me my employee review. He said I totally 'meet expectations'."

Tenants and Landlords - 'Are we nearly there? ...'