Rental Warrior Gifts

"You do realize you're not getting your security deposit back, right?"

Where do you see yourself five years from today, dork-boy? 43 Breen Road. What are you talking about? It's where everyone wants to go. It's the most popular AirBnB in San Francisco. The earliest opening they had was five years from today. Just book a hotel. Hotels are so 2007.

Where there's a Mall--There's a Way.

'The difference between the sexes...First Contact...'

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

House hunting is cruel.

No one drinks from fountains anymore. Thanks to bottled water, they've been replaced. By bottled water fountains.

"Returns"

"Ooh look, the high street's evolved to survive!"

'Hold my purse. I'm going in only to complain.'

The interminable!

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

Sold It All.

'I didn't even know the carnival was in town!'

"Sorry son, I rented out your room to backpackers on Airbnb."

Crazy Ed's Warehouse - body in freezer - "Nobody beats our prices and gets away with it."

'I'm working on a ten year degree. Four years in school, and six years to pay off my student loans.'

"Any chance of some credit?"

"While we do appreciate your diligence... It's not the store's policy to shoot shoplifters!"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

We divided it up and turned it into a rental.

First hurdle to getting a loan. Angry woman.

'I just asked if you were finding everything alright. I never said I worked here.'

"When you pay the rent for your one-room studio, you mustn't think about what you can get for that amount back in Iowa."

The lessor of two evils.

The Great Out-doors

'Surely it is no longer legal to include 'deposit of your first-born child'?'

"Mr. Rod gave me my employee review. He said I totally 'meet expectations'."

"Mind wiping that scanner first? There's no telling whose stuff has been dragged over it."

"I'm addicted to online shoppin. It's so bad that I have a hallway full of unopened parcels."

'...Hello?...Holidays From Hell...?'

Generation Rend. Young man rending his garments in anguish at extortionate rents.

Tenants and Landlords - 'Are we nearly there? ...'

Let's go, young man. Off to the mall! We're off to the mall. I thought we'd hit the big box retailers, then the food court, and finish off with a bookstore. Wait. When you said we were going shopping, I thought you meant we'd surf the net, check Amazon, read product reviews … No, no, soft internet shopper. This is actual shopping at a physical mall, cut-throat old-lady style. Is that a pith helmet?