Renovation Warrior Gifts

"Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair."

Missing Contractor

'If it were my house I'd put it on life support.'

Inventor of the Tudor spirit-level

Builders

'Good news. I found where the termites have been living.'

'I really crammed last night.'

'I found the termites!'

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

Non-Drip ?

'What kind of alteration did you have in mind?'

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

The household cavalry

Substance Abuse Seminar: How Not To Get Hooked!

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

'Have you got one of those things you use to knock nails in...?'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

"You want organic, we'll make it organic."

We'll take a carpenter, painter, plumber...

Man rolling the world across a shaky bridge between organic food and genetic food.

Renovation work at Mount Rushmore.

"I'm all set to start the weekend reno project..." "And I'm all set to call 911."

"When does the improvement part of this improvement project kick in?"

'This guy's FAST!'

'I know it's hard to believe, but before this, I'd never built a thing!'

The UN Forest. . . after its latest 3000 page climate report is released.

"I got knocked down while jogging in heavy traffic."

Painting and decorating

"Can you send me a detailed list of knee exercises I could do at home but won't because I have no discipline."

"Seriously, this can't be the only stretch you know."

"And they'll remain in captivity until they are fully rehabilitated and able to fly again."