Relish Skeptic Gifts

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

'If I've learned anything, it's believe half of what's in the newspapers, and even less of what's in your e-mail.'

10 Commandments in the Supreme Court (USA)

"I understand the allure of religion. It offers hope in a world that's often cruel and unfair. But religion's promises have been consistently proven false. Science, on the other hand, has actually delivered the things that improve human life...."

"Our intelligencia said we will be outnumbered 100 to one, but that we can hope it's only fake news."

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

"I may have wasted my life, but at least I don't look stupid."

'This book thing, Mum, where do I plug it in?'

"If the headline screams catastrophe, but nobody cares to read it, does it still make a sound?"

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

Russian war crimes

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'I've got SO much on my plate right now, Steve - Ask me again when I'm fifty.'

Incredible

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."

'It says here that most people believe what they read in the papers.'

"I've been expecting this...FAKE WEATHER!"

"I'm actually looking forward to age-related hearing loss."

"...did your last employer give you a reference?"

Turn on the news. I will not comply. My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story. There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on Rocky Road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills. Who told you this? Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy.

Rudy, be reasonable. We can't have a functioning media if everyone starts putting up their own stories on the web. We need professional ethics. We need editing. We need fact-checking. We need

"What do the know!"

I Can't Believe It's Not Fake News

Akron, oh, you're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! I'm thinking of not signing up for health insurance this year. Good idea. In my day, there was no such thing as health insurance. If you got sick, you paid for it with either money or chickens. That's if you were a lily-livered coward who just had to see a doctor. When great-great-grandmother Cohen had her sixth heart attack, she just applied a poultice made of chestnut leaves and flour and kept on plowing.

'The market fell today because it needed to fail before it could succeed.'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

The Good News, the Media Nothwithstanding

"And Lord, let not thy laws apply to me, your loyal servant, but only to those miserable sinners whose souls we endeavor to save when it suits us."