Relationship Tales Collector Pillows

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

Bee to othe: 'You knew I was a workaholic when we first met.'

"They must be from a time when it was safe to meet in the park at night."

WHIRLWIND COURTSHIP

'Actually thursday'll be a perfect time to come by Penny. That way you'll finally get the chance to meet my other half.'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

Newborn making the V-sign

"Same hectic routine every damn year. Mind if I hang back with you?"

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

Updated Fables. The Ant And The Grasshopper … And The Mosquito. IRS.

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

Brothers Grimm

"Will you be keeping your own name or rebranding?"

The world's most uncomfortable guy on his first day at work. 'This company is run by all my ex-girlfriends.'

Anne didn't see the relationship as being over....

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

'Give me a hand, you big lug -- I can't make breakfast all by MYSELF!'

'This is for a different book.'

A man hugs a heart-shaped cactus

"Oh, great... they say they all have headaches."

"I'm sorry, but I made a big mistake by running off with you. I'm really in love with the fork."

Football Manager's Parrot

'He's not a patient. He's an antique collector. He's interested in the magazines in our waiting room.'

The Emperor's New Plane.