Engagement Story Collector Pillows

"Will you be keeping your own name or rebranding?"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Thank you to those who never came home and to those who never left their side.

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Thank you for making my decision to fire you, that much easier."

Newborn making the V-sign

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

Who's Dead

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

'Let's face it, we've been getting desperate for new titles.'

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

"We met through a contact tracing app."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

"I know about the tooth fairy, but I feel a bit young to be selling off my body parts!"

'Nobody told me anything about pre-registraton!'

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"The dish and the spoon? Huh. I did not see that coming."

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

Sea Angel

I've heard that you've beaten the Hare, so I've come to challenge you...

Home Sweet Home

I WILL NOT COMMENT ON MS. STEMPEL'S WART

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

Football Manager's Parrot

'This one belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.'

"We met online."