Relationship Sarcastic Humor Lover Pillows

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

Reading the sports pages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

Aging Problems

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

How About Serving Us For a Change

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

"You knew I was high maintenance when we met."

'...and another thing - why do I always have to sleep in the wet spot?'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'