Relationship Sarcastic Humor Lover Gifts

"Be reasonable, dear, you can't expect me to implement diversity in the workplace but not at home."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

Reading the sports pages.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

Early man wasn't exactly enthusiastic about the development of language.

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

Aging Problems

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

Bowling. 24 Lanes. Going bowling for date night with my girlfriend as a bad idea. A split was inevitable.

'...and another thing - why do I always have to sleep in the wet spot?'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"You knew I was high maintenance when we met."

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'