Relationship Re-negotiator Gifts

'I had a great year! I told my husband I want to renegotiate our prenup.'

"How's the divorce going?"

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

"Sophia, will you agree to form a joint exploratory committee for marriage?"

"I'll agree to a pre-nup if you'll agree to a non-compete clause."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

Couple beyond prayer - need divine intervention.

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

"I love what you've done with him."

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

'I think it's time we got a new headboard.'

It was worth a try, but I'm afraid the thrill is still gone, Harold.

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

Seeing the marriage counselor.

"Hey, I know - why don't we go on a little crime spree?"

'The marriage counselor didn't save our marriage. The plumber and the second bathroom saved our marriage.'

"I'll abandon my medium-and shorter-range missiles if you'll abandon yours."

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

Perhaps a ceasefire is in order. Terms? I will agree not to pummel you for forgetting our anniversary. You will refrain from pursuing the possibility that I, too, have forgotten it. You will, furthermore, massage my feet in penance for denying me a reason to yell at you. Non-negotiable! Got off easy.

Woman does a strip tease on a remote control.

'I still love you - I just think we need some time away from each other.'

"I'm not sure I'm ready to date again. I'm just coming off a bad mitosis."

"A see through nighty? God who'd want to see you through that?"

"She always gets the upper bunk."

Sadie, we need to see a couple's counselor. Yuck. No way! I won't spend a bunch of dough to have some halfwit tell me how to live my life! But I found an inexpensive counselor who will just listen to us talk through our issues. Counseling $10. This end up.

'And he seems to think he's God's gift to women.'

She left him to go find herself. It only took 20 minutes, which was sort of embarrassing, so she decided to hang out at the mall for a while.

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'

'I think we should also agree not to go to sleep horny.'

'We need to twerk.'

'Darling what will you give me for this ring?'

You need to stay home and study. Mom! It's an educational opportunity

"We're cutting back on therapy. You?"