Relationship Laughingstock Gifts

"Your feet are like ice."

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

Reading the sports pages.

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

Aging Problems

"They must be from a time when it was safe to meet in the park at night."

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'They were all out of roses.'

'...and another thing - why do I always have to sleep in the wet spot?'

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."