Relationship Evaluator Pillows

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

Sex Score

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

'Your new boyfriend has potential, needs some omprovement. Overlooks a few things.' 'My husband is an estate agent.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'My understanding of psychiatry is that women fantasiss and men internalise - in fact I'd like to internalise right now.'

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

"Why don't you find a museum!"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

Battle of the sexes in a relationship

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

Awkward First Dates

"So, how are we doing with our trust issues?"

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

'Trust me, she can't fail to notice you now...'

"This is just SO like him. For years, I begged him to straighten up and fly right, and when he finally DID, it was right into a picture window!"

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"She said, 'I'll go if you go,' and I said, 'I'll go if you go,' and here we are."

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

"Frank, I want you to try antidepressants."