Relationship Evaluator Pillows

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

Sex Score

'We first met here - when I was doing your job.'

'Your new boyfriend has potential, needs some omprovement. Overlooks a few things.' 'My husband is an estate agent.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

'My understanding of psychiatry is that women fantasiss and men internalise - in fact I'd like to internalise right now.'

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"Why don't you find a museum!"

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Even though I wasn't always perfect, I feel deep down that I am now."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

Battle of the sexes in a relationship

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

"This is just SO like him. For years, I begged him to straighten up and fly right, and when he finally DID, it was right into a picture window!"

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"Men can keep a secret, but it takes a woman to tell them that it was supposed to be a secret!"

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

Awkward First Dates

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

'Trust me, she can't fail to notice you now...'

'You've changed since we got married.'

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

'At last, the newly discovered films of Woody Alien.'

Sharing the Bed with Zeno

Relationships.

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

"Arthur, I need my space."