Relationship Evaluation Pillows

'I had my accounting department run a cost-benefit analysis on you and I have some bad news.'

"I'm starting to think this is a marriage that should have been an e-mail."

"Is there something you'd like to talk about, Gerald?"

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

In the Guru District

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

When Ted and Nancy would dance, it was as if they were the only couple on the floor....

Life is for the birds.

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

"You do like octopus?"

'Oh my God. I love it!'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

Romance

I'm looking for a man who can meet my needs - Cream meringue master-chef.

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

Right click for yes...

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

"Honey, do these sweatpants make me look like I prefer we stay in tonight so I can watch the game?"

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."